Scar

 It was a few months after our blissful wedding, that I started seeking treatment, I was referred to someone and went to meet her at the fertility service she was the director of. 


We didn't hit off immediately. I felt like she was clinical and unphased by my condition. Which of course to me felt hurtful. Something that felt debilitating, painful and uncomfortable was to her simply fixable. She also wasn't fond of my husband. 


She told me that mt fusion had healed itself. That I would need to start using a dilator daily to gradually break down my hymen. If this wasn't effective then I would be scheduled for a hymenectomy. 


During that appointment as she examined, I can remember flinching so bad and her taking note of my severe sensitivity. She ended up telling me that I also had something known as vulvodynia, put plainly - extreme sensitivity. She urged me to see a sexual psychologist, but it was something that really hurt my feelings. This wasn't a choice or out of fear of intimacy, this was years of untreated pain and discomfort, that had now made my body wince. 


 So I started on a pill for nerve pain and began treating myself at home. With a growing wrap sheet of  4-5 known conditions and a checklist before I could even be intimate. 


Looking back on this time, I was so so depressed. I would work all week and then on the weekends lay in bed in discomfort. I would cry and cry, feeling disheveled and broken hearted, as if I had taken our dreams of a family away. But more than that, powerless to change it. Feeling utterly stuck in a body I didn't want and didn't chose. 


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